MITCH HEDBERG

MITCH HEDBERG FUNNY IS... I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough." Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier 'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "cut em up!" I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Shit! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least." Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity. Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together." (Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this thing! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus." I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, shoot! I thought I looked like that rock!" I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. "I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit." I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it." I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hegberg

GEORGE CARLIN

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GEORGE CARLIN 1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? 2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? 4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? 5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? 8. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. 16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. 20. Electricity is really just organized lightning. 21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. 27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. 28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? 29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. 30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. 31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. 32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. 33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. 35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. 37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. 38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! 39. This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. GEORGE CARLIN

JACK BENNY

JACK BENNY TALKS Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause. Modesty is my best quality. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it. A Cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny THEY TALK ABOUT JACK BENNY We have been friends because we are not in competition. I do the kind of show he could never do - a giveaway. ~ Art Linkletter Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician. Bob Hope When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. Dean Martin One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. Eddie Anderson (Rochestor) He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. Fred Allen When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks. George Burns I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. George Burns When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play. Isaac Stern Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost. New York Post Critic Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down. Zubin Mehta There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time! Zubin Mehta There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission! Zubin Mehta Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding. Leonard Bernstein Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius. William Saroyan

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN RODNEY DANGERFIELD 1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. RODNEY DANGERFIELD

STEVE MARTIN

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN STEVE MARTIN I just got back from France... ...boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.. I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that. Steve Martin

GEORGE BURNS QUOTES

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PEOPLE THE GRACE OF GEORGE Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. At my age flowers scare me. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked. I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. George Burns

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CHRIS ROCK QUOTES

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MY FRIENDS THE MANY SHADES OF CHRIS ROCK A man is only as faithful as his options. (as in a married man) A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House. (could he be referring to George W Bush?) Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. (what was Jimmy the Greeks comment) Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. (Because his face was round. Round people unite) Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. (Ok I admit it he got me) Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing. (I'm not touching this one...literally) Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. (his support for gay marriage...you think? ) George Bush hates midgets. (Minnie Me?) Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. (Yeah!) I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ( I double that notion. I'm living proof.) I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. (ha ha ha ha) I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson. (He's staying out of politics) If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty. (I resemble that remark) Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. (Only the rock could get away with that one) School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man. (I'm Done!) There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars. Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest! Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know? You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. Chris Rock

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GROUCHO MARX QUOTES

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MY FRIENDS THE CHEEK OF GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say. I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. A man's only as old as the woman he feels. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I intend to live forever, or die trying. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Practically everybody in America has half a mind to write a book, and does. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Room service? Send up a larger room. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Whoever named kissing necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx

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MAE WEST

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MAE WEST I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. I've been in more laps than a napkin. I've been things and seen places. It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. A hard man is good to find. Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often. A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man's kiss is his signature. A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love. All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else. An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. Any time you've got nothing to do and lots of time to do it come on up. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for. Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. He who hesitates is a damned fool. He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you. I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it. I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked. I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them. I enjoyed the courtroom as just another stage but not so amusing as Broadway. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men? I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported. I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them. I speak two languages, Body and English. I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action. I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing. It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any. It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it. It takes two to get one in trouble. It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. Look your best - who said love is blind? Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art. Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it. Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring. Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is. Personality is the most important thing to an actress's success. Right now I think censorship is necessary; the things they're doing and saying in films right now just shouldn't be allowed. There's no dignity anymore and I think that's very important. Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain. Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins. Sex is emotion in motion. She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The score never interested me, only the game. To err is human, but it feels divine. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. When women go wrong, men go right after them. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. MAE WEST

ORISON SWETT MARDEN QUOTES

ORISON SWETT MARDEN SUCCESS All who have accomplished great things have had a great aim, have fixed their gaze on a goal which was high, one which sometimes seemed impossible. Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers; powers that would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing; forces that would revolutionize his life if aroused and put into action. If you do not feel yourself growing in your work and your life broadening and deepening, if your task is not a perpetual tonic to you, you have not found your place. Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us. No man can be ideally successful until he has found his place. Like a locomotive he is strong on the track, but weak anywhere else. Nothing else so destroys the power to stand alone as the habit of leaning upon others. If you lean, you will never be strong or original. Stand alone or bury your ambition to be somebody in the world. Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. The best thing about giving of ourselves is that what we get is always better than what we give. The reaction is greater than the action. The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do. The Universe is one great kindergarten for man. Everything that exists has brought with it its own peculiar lesson. There is no investment you can make which will pay you so well as the effort to scatter sunshine and good cheer through your establishment. There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. There is no stimulus like that which comes from the consciousness of knowing that others believe in us. What power can poverty have over a home where loving hearts are beating with a consciousness of untold riches of the head and heart? ORISON SWETT MARDEN

BELA LUGOSI QUOTES

A TASTE OF BELA LUGOSI A screen actor is compensated in the knowledge that millions will see his performance at one time, where only hundreds will see it on the stage. Actors were exploited no less by the capitalist managers than they were by the state. Because of my language and the pantomime with which most Europeans accompany their speech, I was cataloged as a heavy. Circumstances made me the theatrical personality I am, which many people believe is also a part of my personal life. Death, the final, triumphant lover. Every actor is somewhat mad, or else he'd be a plumber or a bookkeeper or a salesman. I don't have a dime left. I am dependent on my friends for food and a small old-age pension. I enjoy my work. I haven't been an actor for 30 years without getting pleasure out of the profession. I have lived too completely, I think. I have known every human emotion. I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow. I have played Dracula a thousand times on stage and I find I have become thoroughly settled in the technique of the stage and not of the screen. I look in the mirror and say to myself, Can it be you once played Romeo? I never play without my cape. I studied at the Budapest Academy of Theatrical Arts for four years and emerged with a degree. I'd like to quit the supernatural roles and play just an interesting, down-to-earth person. I'll be truthful. The weekly paycheck is the most important thing to me. I've been using narcotics for 20 years. If you are not serious, people will sense it. In Hungary acting is a profession. In America it is a decision. In Hungary, acting is a career for which one fits himself as earnestly as one studies for a degree in medicine, law, or philosophy. It is women who bear the race in bloody agony. Suffering is a kind of horror. Blood is a kind of horror. Women are born with horror in their very bloodstream. It is a biological thing. It is women who love horror. Gloat over it. Feed on it. Are nourished by it. Shudder and cling and cry out-and come back for more. It took me years to live down Dracula and convince the film producers that I would play almost any other type of role. It was hell to go through what I went through. I didn't know I had so many friends. Many people gave a damn about my situation. They helped cure me. Martyrdom was the price of enthusiasm for acting. My body grew hot, then cold. I tried to eat the bed sheets. My heart beat madly. Every joint in my body ached. When I took the cure they took it all away from me. My close-up was magnificent! Of all the roles I've done on the stage, I'm partial to Cyrano De Bergerac. The role seemed to demand that I keep myself worked up to fever pitch, so I took on the actual attributes of the horrible vampire, Dracula. The screen magnifies everything, even the way you are thinking. The vampire was a complete change from the usual romantic characters I was playing, but it was a success. Without movie parts I was reduced to freak status. I just couldn't stand it. You can't make people believe in you if you play a horror part with your tongue in your cheek. Bela Lugosi

DOROTHY PARKER QUOTES

DOROTHY PARKER 1. It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard. 2. “If, with the literate, I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it.” 3. That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. 4. Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair. 5. Oh seek, my love, your newer way; I'll not be left in sorrow. So long as I have yesterday Go take your damned tomorrow! 6. "I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, After four I'm under my host!" 7. "I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker

EMO PHILIPS QUOTES

EMO PHILIPS I'm a great lover, I'll bet. ******* You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. ******* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ******* Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. ******* How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. ******* I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' ******* I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ******* I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." ******* I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ******* I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ******* My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ******* People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. ******* Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. ******* When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. ******* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ******* Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ******* Emo Philips

H. L. MENKEN QUOTES

Conscience Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. Every man is his own hell. Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. H. L. Mencken

JOSH BILLINGS QUOTES

JOSH BILLING'S COMMON SENSE A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug. A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates. About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it. Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadfully uneasy to take. As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them. Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel. Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at. Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it. Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money. It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too. It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so. Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has. Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go. There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it. There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't. There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm. There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. Josh Billings

LILY TOMLIN QUOTES

I LOVE LILY! Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. For fast-acting relief try slowing down. Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. The best mind-altering drug is truth. The road to success is always under construction. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Lily Tomlin