EMO PHILIPS QUOTES

EMO PHILIPS I'm a great lover, I'll bet. ******* You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. ******* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ******* Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. ******* How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. ******* I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' ******* I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ******* I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." ******* I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ******* I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ******* My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ******* People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. ******* Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. ******* When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. ******* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ******* Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ******* Emo Philips