BOB DYLAN

I'm speaking for all of us. I'm the spokesman for a generation. A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do. A poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet. A song is anything that can walk by itself. All I can do is be me, whoever that is. All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie. At times in my life the only place I have been happy is when I am on stage. Basically you have to suppress your own ambitions in order to be who you need to be. Democracy don't rule the world, You'd better get that in your head; This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that's better left unsaid. I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me. I am against nature. I don't dig nature at all. I think nature is very unnatural. I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay. I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be. I don't think the human mind can comprehend the past and the future. They are both just illusions that can manipulate you into thinking there's some kind of change. I like America, just as everybody else does. I love America, I gotta say that. But America will be judged. I say there are no depressed words just depressed minds. I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours. I've never written a political song. Songs can't save the world. I've gone through all that. If I wasn't Bob Dylan, I'd probably think that Bob Dylan has a lot of answers myself. In ceremonies of the horsemen, even the pawn must hold a grudge. In the dime stores and bus stations, people talk of situations, read books, repeat quotations, draw conclusions on the wall. Money doesn't talk, it swears. No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky. People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent. People today are still living off the table scraps of the sixties. They are still being passed around - the music and the ideas. Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them. The radio makes hideous sounds. There is nothing so stable as change. This land is your land and this land is my land, sure, but the world is run by those that never listen to music anyway. To live outside the law, you must be honest. Well, the future for me is already a thing of the past. What good are fans? You can't eat applause for breakfast. You can't sleep with it. When you cease to exist, then who will you blame? Yesterday's just a memory, tomorrow is never what it's supposed to be. You learn from a conglomeration of the incredible past - whatever experience gotten in any way whatsoever. Bob Dylan

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN RODNEY DANGERFIELD 1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. RODNEY DANGERFIELD

MAE WEST

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MAE WEST I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. I've been in more laps than a napkin. I've been things and seen places. It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. A hard man is good to find. Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often. A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man's kiss is his signature. A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love. All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else. An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. Any time you've got nothing to do and lots of time to do it come on up. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for. Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. He who hesitates is a damned fool. He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you. I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it. I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked. I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them. I enjoyed the courtroom as just another stage but not so amusing as Broadway. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men? I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported. I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them. I speak two languages, Body and English. I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action. I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing. It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any. It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it. It takes two to get one in trouble. It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. Look your best - who said love is blind? Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art. Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it. Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring. Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is. Personality is the most important thing to an actress's success. Right now I think censorship is necessary; the things they're doing and saying in films right now just shouldn't be allowed. There's no dignity anymore and I think that's very important. Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain. Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins. Sex is emotion in motion. She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The score never interested me, only the game. To err is human, but it feels divine. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. When women go wrong, men go right after them. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. MAE WEST

ORISON SWETT MARDEN QUOTES

ORISON SWETT MARDEN SUCCESS All who have accomplished great things have had a great aim, have fixed their gaze on a goal which was high, one which sometimes seemed impossible. Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers; powers that would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing; forces that would revolutionize his life if aroused and put into action. If you do not feel yourself growing in your work and your life broadening and deepening, if your task is not a perpetual tonic to you, you have not found your place. Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us. No man can be ideally successful until he has found his place. Like a locomotive he is strong on the track, but weak anywhere else. Nothing else so destroys the power to stand alone as the habit of leaning upon others. If you lean, you will never be strong or original. Stand alone or bury your ambition to be somebody in the world. Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. The best thing about giving of ourselves is that what we get is always better than what we give. The reaction is greater than the action. The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do. The Universe is one great kindergarten for man. Everything that exists has brought with it its own peculiar lesson. There is no investment you can make which will pay you so well as the effort to scatter sunshine and good cheer through your establishment. There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. There is no stimulus like that which comes from the consciousness of knowing that others believe in us. What power can poverty have over a home where loving hearts are beating with a consciousness of untold riches of the head and heart? ORISON SWETT MARDEN

EMO PHILIPS QUOTES

EMO PHILIPS I'm a great lover, I'll bet. ******* You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. ******* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ******* Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. ******* How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. ******* I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' ******* I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ******* I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." ******* I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ******* I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ******* My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ******* People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. ******* Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. ******* When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. ******* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ******* Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ******* Emo Philips

RITA RUDNER QUOTES

Ladies and Gentlemen Rita Rudner Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

MOTHER TERESA QUOTES

MOTHER TERESA Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies. Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own. Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try. Good works are links that form a chain of love. I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness. I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. I try to give to the poor people for love what the rich could get for money. No, I wouldn't touch a leper for a thousand pounds; yet I willingly cure him for the love of God. I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor? If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it. If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one. If you judge people, you have no time to love them. In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. Intense love does not measure, it just gives. It is a kingly act to assist the fallen. It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy. It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters. Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God - the rest will be given. Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go. Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work. Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. ...it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action. Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home. One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody. Peace begins with a smile. Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience. The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. There must be a reason why some people can afford to live well. They must have worked for it. I only feel angry when I see waste. When I see people throwing away things that we could use. We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls. We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much,for so long,with so little,we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. Mother Teresa

W. C. FIELDS QUOTES

W. C. Fields W. C. Fields ******* A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. ******* A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ******* Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ******* Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. ******* Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. ******* Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. ******* Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? ******* I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. ******* I never drink water. The fish fuck in it. ******* I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. ******* I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.) ******* I drink therefore I am. ******* I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. ******* Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. ******* Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money , than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. ******* The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. ******** W. C. Fields

MARK TWAIN QUOTES

Mark Twain Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Mark Twain Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. Mark Twain Buy land, they're not making it anymore. Mark Twain Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. Mark Twain Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold. Mark Twain