GEORGE CARLIN

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GEORGE CARLIN 1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? 2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? 4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? 5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? 8. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. 16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. 20. Electricity is really just organized lightning. 21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. 27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. 28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? 29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. 30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. 31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. 32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. 33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. 35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. 37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. 38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! 39. This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. GEORGE CARLIN

STEVE MARTIN

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN STEVE MARTIN I just got back from France... ...boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.. I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that. Steve Martin

GEORGE BURNS QUOTES

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PEOPLE THE GRACE OF GEORGE Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. At my age flowers scare me. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked. I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. George Burns

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CHRIS ROCK QUOTES

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MY FRIENDS THE MANY SHADES OF CHRIS ROCK A man is only as faithful as his options. (as in a married man) A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House. (could he be referring to George W Bush?) Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. (what was Jimmy the Greeks comment) Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. (Because his face was round. Round people unite) Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. (Ok I admit it he got me) Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing. (I'm not touching this one...literally) Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. (his support for gay marriage...you think? ) George Bush hates midgets. (Minnie Me?) Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. (Yeah!) I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ( I double that notion. I'm living proof.) I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. (ha ha ha ha) I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson. (He's staying out of politics) If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty. (I resemble that remark) Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. (Only the rock could get away with that one) School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man. (I'm Done!) There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars. Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest! Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know? You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. Chris Rock

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GROUCHO MARX QUOTES

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MY FRIENDS THE CHEEK OF GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say. I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. A man's only as old as the woman he feels. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I intend to live forever, or die trying. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Practically everybody in America has half a mind to write a book, and does. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Room service? Send up a larger room. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Whoever named kissing necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx

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JOSH BILLINGS QUOTES

JOSH BILLING'S COMMON SENSE A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug. A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates. About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it. Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadfully uneasy to take. As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them. Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel. Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at. Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it. Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money. It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too. It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so. Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has. Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go. There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it. There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't. There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm. There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. Josh Billings

LILY TOMLIN QUOTES

I LOVE LILY! Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. For fast-acting relief try slowing down. Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. The best mind-altering drug is truth. The road to success is always under construction. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Lily Tomlin

QUOTES ON LOVE

IF NOT FOR LOVE THAN WHAT STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART *********************** "Love is the only paved road The only one will take the load" Armand "Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." Mozart "We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love." Sigmund Freud "Platonic love is like an inactive volcano." Andre Pevost "Love is indescribable and unconditional. I could tell you a thousand things that it is not, but not one that it is." Duke Ellington "The story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity." Helen Hayes "To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others." Francois Mauriac "To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven." Karen Sunde "There is no remedy for love but to love more." Henry David Thoreau "Love is not blind -- it simply enables one to see things others fail to see." Anonymous "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." J. Krishnamurti "All you need is love." John Lennon "One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved." Romain Rolland "Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." Thomas Robert Dewar "We cannot tell the precise moment when love is formed. As in the filling of a vessel drop by drop, there is at last one which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." Unknown How special our union, that even a whisper of the love we share, sounds mightier than any roar of discontent. Armand "Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire." Francois de La Rouchefoucauld "There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved." George Sand "True love begins when nothing is looked for in return." Antoine De Saint-Exupery "Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy." Ralph Connor "The best feelings are those that have no words to describe them...." Michelle Hammersley "A heart that loves is always young." A Greek Proverb Love is like a seed. Once planted it has to be nurtured so it will blossom. Armand "Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever." Anonymous "I have loved to the point of madness; That which is called madness, That which to me, Is the only sensible way to love." F. Sagan "To be in love is merely to be In a state of perpetual anesthesia: To mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god Or an ordinary young woman for a goddess." H.L. Mencken "Other men said they have seen angels, But I have seen thee And thou art enough." G. Moore "I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion - I have shudder'd at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyr'd for my religion Love is my religion And I could die for that. I could die for you." John Keats "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Love is a portion of the soul itself, and it is of the same nature as the celestial breathing of the atmosphere of paradise." Victor Hugo "The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love." Pearl Bailey "Real love is never a part time affair but a joyous celebration forever more." Armand "The heart has reasons that reason does not understand." Jacques Benigne Bossuel "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Alfred, Lord Tennyson "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" Sam Keen "If I know what love is, it is because of you." Herman Hesse "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities." Janos Arnay "My love, the spaces between your fingers were created so mine could fill them, now and always. " Armand "Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me." Sarah Bernhardt "And when your gone who will wake every morn' to lift the sun, unveil the sky, etch in the clouds, who will paint the rainbow ." Armand

QUOTES ON KISSING

IT'S IN THEIR KISS A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years. ~Rupert Brooke A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. ~ Ingrid Bergman It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner. ~No Way to Treat a Lady Kisses kept are wasted; Love is to be tasted. ~Torn Between Two Lovers The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss. ~These Thousand Hills I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. ~Chico Marx "I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them." ~ Mae West I never thought that love could feel like this - then you changed my world with just one kiss. ~Days of Wine and Roses I ran up the door, opened the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers - turned off my bed, tumbled into my light, and all because he kissed me good-night! ~The Long Hot Summer A kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition. ~ Clare Whiting If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of a doubt. ~ Thomas Carlyle If I have too I'll steal a kiss and serve my sentence gladly. ~ armandhamouth People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. ~ Bob Hope 'Twas not my lips you kissed But my soul. ~ Judy Garland Her lips on his could tell him better than all her stumbling words. ~ Margaret Mitchell A kiss, and all was said. ~ Victor Hugo A kiss is something you cannot give without taking and cannot take without giving. ~Ike She kissed me once, and owned me forever more. ~ armand