GROUCHO MARX QUOTES

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MY FRIENDS THE CHEEK OF GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say. I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. A man's only as old as the woman he feels. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I intend to live forever, or die trying. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Practically everybody in America has half a mind to write a book, and does. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Room service? Send up a larger room. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Whoever named kissing necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx

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