RITA RUDNER QUOTES

Ladies and Gentlemen Rita Rudner Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner