MITCH HEDBERG

MITCH HEDBERG FUNNY IS... I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough." Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier 'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "cut em up!" I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Shit! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least." Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity. Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together." (Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this thing! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus." I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, shoot! I thought I looked like that rock!" I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. "I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit." I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it." I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hegberg