Albert Einstein

.

AN EXPLOSIVE SPEAKER I was surprised to find that Albert Einstein the noted scientist was very philosophical. I wanted to share these quotes with you my friends. THE WISDOM OF ALBERT EINSTEIN "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." "Imagination is more important than knowledge." "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details." "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." "The only real valuable thing is intuition." "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." "God is subtle but he is not malicious." "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility." "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind." "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically." "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking." "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding." "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater." "Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity." "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep." "The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." "Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever." "The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker." "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death." "The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge." "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." "One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year." "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought." "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder." "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." Albert Einstein

.

BOB DYLAN

I'm speaking for all of us. I'm the spokesman for a generation. A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do. A poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet. A song is anything that can walk by itself. All I can do is be me, whoever that is. All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie. At times in my life the only place I have been happy is when I am on stage. Basically you have to suppress your own ambitions in order to be who you need to be. Democracy don't rule the world, You'd better get that in your head; This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that's better left unsaid. I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me. I am against nature. I don't dig nature at all. I think nature is very unnatural. I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay. I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be. I don't think the human mind can comprehend the past and the future. They are both just illusions that can manipulate you into thinking there's some kind of change. I like America, just as everybody else does. I love America, I gotta say that. But America will be judged. I say there are no depressed words just depressed minds. I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours. I've never written a political song. Songs can't save the world. I've gone through all that. If I wasn't Bob Dylan, I'd probably think that Bob Dylan has a lot of answers myself. In ceremonies of the horsemen, even the pawn must hold a grudge. In the dime stores and bus stations, people talk of situations, read books, repeat quotations, draw conclusions on the wall. Money doesn't talk, it swears. No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky. People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent. People today are still living off the table scraps of the sixties. They are still being passed around - the music and the ideas. Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them. The radio makes hideous sounds. There is nothing so stable as change. This land is your land and this land is my land, sure, but the world is run by those that never listen to music anyway. To live outside the law, you must be honest. Well, the future for me is already a thing of the past. What good are fans? You can't eat applause for breakfast. You can't sleep with it. When you cease to exist, then who will you blame? Yesterday's just a memory, tomorrow is never what it's supposed to be. You learn from a conglomeration of the incredible past - whatever experience gotten in any way whatsoever. Bob Dylan

MITCH HEDBERG

MITCH HEDBERG FUNNY IS... I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough." Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier 'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "cut em up!" I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Shit! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least." Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity. Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together." (Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this thing! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus." I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, shoot! I thought I looked like that rock!" I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. "I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit." I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it." I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hegberg

GEORGE CARLIN

.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GEORGE CARLIN 1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? 2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? 4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? 5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? 8. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. 16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. 20. Electricity is really just organized lightning. 21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. 27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. 28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? 29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. 30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. 31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. 32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. 33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. 35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. 37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. 38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! 39. This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. GEORGE CARLIN

JACK BENNY

JACK BENNY TALKS Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause. Modesty is my best quality. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it. A Cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny THEY TALK ABOUT JACK BENNY We have been friends because we are not in competition. I do the kind of show he could never do - a giveaway. ~ Art Linkletter Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician. Bob Hope When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. Dean Martin One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. Eddie Anderson (Rochestor) He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. Fred Allen When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks. George Burns I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. George Burns When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play. Isaac Stern Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost. New York Post Critic Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down. Zubin Mehta There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time! Zubin Mehta There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission! Zubin Mehta Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding. Leonard Bernstein Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius. William Saroyan

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN RODNEY DANGERFIELD 1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. RODNEY DANGERFIELD